I miss being able to be crazy with Paul
And Paul not minding it so much.
When I think of it,
I feel like we could've been happy together.
If he didn't have those ways about him.
I could not deal with his "crazy".
I wrote in my notebook
"a break-up is a break-up"
You feel that you won,
but some times thoughts get to you.
They attack me on my way to my Mother's if it's late night and I am tired.
Not that Paul ever did anything to comfort me if I was
tired or sick.
or sick of being tired
or tired of being sick.
But I had to let go.
I used to hold on to every happy thought
the places that made me happy
and the people who made me happy
They are really a few.
Ok. Three and one is dead.
I let go of those memories.
Released them back into the universe like birds that needed to fly.
Mama Flor's hot chocolate wasn't all that different
than the many hot chocolate I have tasted looking for that
taste that lived in my memory for so long.
These birds were pecking at the little that was left of my self-esteem.
Ok, just this one Bird.
I want to look in the mirror and wonder
What would I look like when I have self-esteem?
It's kind of weird to have low self-esteem,
I am fighting to save myself.
It's a struggle.
I have been in this abusive relationship,
I buy jewelry to mask my pain
(or used to buy jewelry to mask pain)
the pain of feeling unworthy.
You can say that I am a junk food addict,
and I have gained a considerable amount of weight.
The struggle to love myself is real.
But I want to love myself.
I never thought about it before.
I wanted to be loved so badly that I didn't think about it.
It's good timing because I am not so young anymore.
I want to take care of myself,
just like I like to take care of people.
I want to be kind to myself.
But my self-esteem is great.
It's at its minimal and it performs like at most people's full capacity.
I am unstoppable if I get it to work at its full capacity.
That makes me feel good.
And then there is Paul in my thoughts.
When I just want to speak to somebody.
Not that he ever listened to me,
and if he did,
he never understood.
There was always something sneaky
I wanted to hide from him.
There was always someone else...
It was not like that.
Who would love him?
Not even if I tried.
That was not a lie.
But everything else.
And I make up stories.
Just like the stories in my head while I am on the train
heading to my Mother's.
Wanting to feel a sense of loss.
And I do.
I feel at a loss.
But it's different.
I feel a sense of anger,
but I am not.
I am not confused.
I think I want to talk.
A therapist would do.
I could never talk to Paul.
Always accusing me of lying, cheating...etc.
It was cool because I could get really angry
call him a "bitch!" and I would get away with every insult.
He "loved" me regardless.
He never did.
He was just waiting,
With the demon that lives inside him.
With his eyes full of hate.
Making up stories.
I could never tell what triggered him.
We worked together.
I mended his clothes.
I gave him massages in the middle of the night if he was in pain.
I would get up and make him hot tea if he had a cold.
I took all the responsibilities of raising the girls.
I watched YouTube shows with him at night.
I treated his family well.
I took him to places he never been before.
I gave him great sex many times a week.
I did his laundry.
I did what I could.
But it never was.
I earned love,
and it was never paid to me.
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
Every time I pass by my old apartment, I feel uncomfortable.
I avoid wondering many things about the place and its obvious darkness.
Even when I sleep, I am outside and the lights turn on.
In my dreams, I feel like I can go home.
And I can water the plants.
But when I wake, I realize that it was just a dream.
It's just me standing outside of my home again.
Afraid to go back inside.
Especially, when I am cold.
there is no definite conclusion.
Just another chapter I have to give ending to.
Before the year ends.
I want to feel like I won.
I want to feel confident.
But I only feel like I did the right thing.
I left my home in the midst of a heat wave with $5.00 in change
that I had gathered from my coins.
I didn't want to return,
But I didn't know that I wouldn't.
I had left my license at the girls' school and I had to pick it up
The lady was going on vacation.
I wanted to run to my Mother's,
but I didn't know how.
I called my Mother and she needed rice.
I offered to buy it and began searching for coins.
I didn't know that I wouldn't go back.
My old apartment is dark.
I turned off the lights.
Can't help but be reminded of all the times I was stuck on that 3rd floor
in the middle of the night
Afraid. Anxious. Sad. Angry. Confused.
Waiting for Paul to go to sleep.
Hours passed by like sand in my hands.
Unable to go to sleep,
while Paul broke pieces of dreams.
Evil in his eyes during those times.
I could never bring myself to excuse him
and I can't forgive him.
That fear that would later turn into hatred throughout the day,
while I contemplated leaving him.
While I put our clothes into a laundry bag.
While I called him and insulted him.
While I was hurt.
While everything seemed like I woke up from a surreal dream.
Was the question
Didn't much matter.
I never knew that I would walk away in the middle of a heat wave.
What could make me walk away from my home...
...That's why I have to heal.
I have to acknowledge what I have been through and forgive whatever inside me feels
or felt so undeserving of love...to the point where it sought such punishment.
Whatever happened wasn't because of me.
I am loved and I am a great person to love.
And I should forgive myself if I feel such a guilt.
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Today was Queen's Food Day at Socrates Sculpture Park.
The event was hosted by Socrates Sculpture Park, GrownNYC Greenmarket, and City Harvest and it was a phenomenal Fall treat for adults and children.
I was honored to have volunteered in this year's Queen's Food Day because I got to help at the coolest station there: #thebluebusproject.
The Blue Bus Project brings the artistic expression to the streets. Annalisa Iadicicco is the artist behind the the Blue Bus Project that promotes social and political change. Annalisa repurposes materials for her art work.
|Annalisa working with some students|
The Blue Bus was a bus that was parked around her neighborhood for months. She left a note wanting to buy and the rest is history. Opportunities always come in the form of grit.
It was a great opportunity to develop my art skills and help lots of children and their parents make flowers from vinyl records, packing bubble wrap, and beads.
All in a day's good work.
I love it when I can incorporate my daughters into volunteer events. It's one thing to teach them to participate and another one to teach them to get involved.
|Eleanor & Margaret keeping the workstation clean|
Sunday, July 31, 2016
There are gems of people who will love you at your worst and those are the people that deserve your best.
But be great to everyone regardless. Don't be consumed with the negativity of the world and your environment. Smile when someone you don't know makes eye contact with you and acknowledge their passing through your day. Befriend people because you want to and not because they have something to offer you. When you can't remember to laugh look at memes or Dave Chapelle's comedic routine and make laughing an every day priority. You should laugh every day regardless of how you feel. You should love every day regardless if you don't feel loved.
Don't let the outside mess with who you are inside. And if you don't feel like a person able to offer all of the above to strangers, acquaintances, friends, and family...practice. Practice every day.
Not all the time are we going to bask in life's glory and when we struggle these small things will lifts us up.
You will learn that even if you are not where you want to be, that even if you are broke, you still have something of value to offer the world: YOU.
I can forgive many things, but I can't forgive not feeling loved.
If there is a theme this year, that theme is feeling unloved and finding out what I do about it. I will unfollow you, I will distance myself, and I will want to kick you out from my home.
Yes, I can be obsessive. I am the person with the longest lasting crushes I know. The minute I feel that I have a crush on you, I will have it for years. I will not come out and say it and take many emotional beatings because of it. But in my mind, if you are worth it (and I already think you are) I will happily take those beatings for you. One day you will just realize how much you really like me too. But all comes to an end when I realize that you don't ignore me out of shyness.
What to do then? Finish falling off your Earth and disappear. That's easy to do.
But I find that I can't even forgive someone who claims to love me but shows me otherwise. The deceit is even worse.
Conversation after conversation and among arguing I wonder...why are you still lying to me?...as I tally up all the emotional loans that I have given this person and how he has failed to repay...how I know that he will never pay based on 6 yrs. of relationship...why are you still doing this to me?...
It's heartbreaking even if you did not love him. It's heartbreaking because of the quality that was given and the crap you received in return.
I am heartbroken because of another family that does not have a chance and that will be part of a statistic either way. To stay together would mean to sit down and continue being emotionally beaten by someone who you don't love and who doesn't love you.
To walk away means 6 yrs. in a challenging relationship because for what?
But I don't forgive feeling unloved. I just don't.
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
When you buy something new it is mandatory to throw something out
Purge at every season change or twice a year!
1. Replace mismatched plastic and/or wire hangers with matching ones such as these. The uniform look of the hangers will instantly make your closet seem organized.
2. Do invest in wood hangers for heavier items such as coats.
3. Have a pattern when hanging clothes. Hang them in short to long order, in order to maximize the space underneath.
|Uniformity gives the illusion of organized photo via storagesolutionsforsmallspaces.net|
4. Group each item of clothing and hang them together (dresses with dresses, skirts with skirts...etc.) or if space does not permit, and you don't have the adequate closet tools for it, color code your wardrobe instead. (I color code my clothes).
5. Keep everything visibly organized: Use storage boxes with clear see through windows if you don't have enough shelves and can't work shelves into your closet. I use these in my daughters' closet.
|Like It Modular Storage System from The Container Store|
6. Use a modular shoe cubby (if you don't want to put your shoes on shelves). You can customize these and make them fit your space.
**Remember to always purchase products that will work for you in the space that you currently have**
7. HABIT ALERT!: Put your stuff back immediately after usage: daily closet makeovers won't make a difference in your life if you don't keep up with the maintenance. Get into the habit of putting whatever you are not wearing but is on top of the bed back in the closet. At the end of the day, if the garment is not going into the hamper, put it back in its place. Don't shove into the closet, fold them neatly or hang them on a hanger and properly place it in your closet.
Get the people in your home to comply and if they don't KICK THEM OUT or Put it back yourself.
Visit StorageSolutionsforSmallSpaces.net for more ideas
Sunday, December 21, 2014
9 Gifts That Will Dazzle Her (Me)1.A T-Shirt for a Cause:
|'tis the season to give|
I love t-shirts and I love to give, like really give my attention, my time, my things, and my money to charities. So, I have been supporting Sevenly.org since 2012. They support different causes and they make giving cool because you buy a t-shirt and the organization donates $7 to the charity represented by the t-shirt. Cool gift! I think it's very thoughtful to give someone (me) a t-shirt of a cause you know that they (me) are into.
I would love that as a gift. I support education, women's right (all of them), cancer, poverty, child abuse, human trafficking...etc.
2. Signature Necklace:
|Signature Necklace from BrevityJewely.com|
My signature originates when my Father taught me to forge his signature when I was 11 years old. This was great because I made the signature my own and over the years it has become completely mine. Most people say I sign like a banker.
I'm into my signature so much I would love to see it in a necklace. Brevity Jewelry has what I want! I want the gold necklace, so it comes at a steep price. But there are other cheaper options from Etsy for the "right now" fix.
3. More Monogram/personalized shhhhhtuff.
4. Valentino's Rockstud Pumps or NOT!
|Found this steal from BCBG Paris at DSW for less than $70! Similar here|
I am extremely obsessed with these shoes, but not to the point that I would fork over about $1k to have them.
BCGB Paris made sure to get me what I want, without the price. I mean I am not pretentious, I don't need to show that I can own a Valentino. I just want the look for a lot lot less, $70 is much more up my alley.
If you have been after these coveted shoes and like to know more about them, check out in their closet, this blog really keeps up with these shoes and fashion bloggers wearing them.
5. SensatioNail Gel Nail Polish Kits
|SensatioNail Gel Polish Kits|
If there is something I hate less than onions is going to the nail salon. It's not like I am a slob and don't like doing my nails, I feel uncomfortable having someone do my nails. I prefer to do them at home. I have over a year that I don't go to a nail salon. I'm a DIY girl and I take care of my own nails.
I have tried different nail care systems, but this one convinces me. I am very hands on and my nails usually chip, like right away. So, this is what I want to try. I have tried a different version that did not convince me, but if Gabrielle Union is the brand ambassador then it must be good!
6. Adidas Stan Smith Sneakers
|Adidas Stan Smith Sneakers|
I just want to see what the hype is all about. These sneakers are attractive. I remember that I used to debate whether to get them or the Superstars...and I always opted for the Superstars. I, recently, read that these sneakers were taken off the shelf a couple of years ago and now they are making a comeback.
7. Adidas Superstar 2.0
|I love these to the moon and back|
While browsing the site, these came up like an item I would be interested in...and they are right! I don't know what happened to my other Adidas, but I do't find them anywhere. Oh well. Love these and always welcome the opportunity of having them again.
BTW I am a size 8 in women and 6 in men.
8. A trip to Iceland for a month
|Come Fly With Me|
Anyway, Black Tomato seems like a legit site that it'll be extremely helpful when I plan my month long vacation.
|These gorgeous things are available on HSN|
I'm into tanzanite and I am into moonstones, together they make me drool. I wanna have these like nothing else. No more words needed.
That's that...for now. Although, part of my New Year Resolution is to want less things.
|My shoes are so comfortable that I do yoga and take a selfie at the same time!|